Ten Years In

You would think that ten years into this stupid illness I would be used to it. But days like this still frustrate me to no end. Days where I wake up with things to do and I just can’t get my brain or my body moving.

I woke up today determined to get my desk and dresser cleaned off. Simple enough. Yet all day it has felt completely overwhelming. I sit here on my bed and can’t even think of where to begin. I went over to my desk a few times and tried to start but I’m pretty sure I just made the mess worse.

It is infuriating. I used to be a very task oriented, project driven person. I could sit down, think through something, do all the steps and then be done. Now it seems like I spend days or weeks just trying to figure out how to take a first step. Stuck in some incomprehensible state of brain dead, body dead inertia.

On a semi-related/unrelated note, this Buzzfeed article, “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Isn’t Just About Being Tired” by David Tuller is interesting.

Ten years ago, Jeannette Burmeister was working full throttle, logging 80-hour weeks as an attorney specializing in international commercial and employment law at the San Francisco area offices of a major law firm. So when she developed a sinus infection over the Christmas holidays in 2005, she assumed she’d bounce right back.
But she didn’t. The illness persisted; Burmeister then began suffering from profound lapses of energy, crippling problems with concentration and memory, and severe sleep disorders, among other symptoms.
“I went to work for two hours one day, hit a wall, and couldn’t go back the next day,” Burmeister, now 42, said in a recent telephone conversation. “I could not think straight. I had days where I couldn’t spell my name. And such complete exhaustion you can’t describe it, like you just ran a marathon, are hungover, and have the flu, all at once.”

That is precisely how it feels.

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